Okay- I digress from the usual fare. I have to. I have the hiccups. Also known as hicoughs, depending on your dictionary, but who cares? Point being, they are highly disruptive, most vexing, annoying, and downright insulting if you ask me. I don’t get them often, but when I do, I feel subliminally tortured, a cosmic whisper of ‘Hex on me!’, a condition I will obsess over until resolved in my quiet, static favor. Ugg- there’s another!
I’ve always hated these uppity-up intrusions, fearing some of life’s greatest pleasures that cast a potential shadow of suffering: gobs of crusty french bread, a smooth sling back of butter smooth beer, an otherwise exhilarating lap in crystal clear waters. And I can’t muffle them either, like the sweet silent ‘mups’ barely registering on the radar from girls with names like Tiffany or Michelle. I’m a bellower, I’m a Roxanne, I’m a Gertrude hiccuper! Nothing dainty, and it just cannot be helped! So, it must be cured, and fast!
Now, forget the scaring thing. Really, anyway, how scary is that old 1-2-3 Boo! anyway? So I offer these suggestions, which I always try, in descending order, and almost always find relief along the way:
1- A MILLION BUCKS: Try it: If you can tell me the precise moment before the next eruption, I’ll give you a million bucks.
2- SALVATION (Again) BY MOTHER MARY: Grab a drink, any drink. Take a fast tiny sip. Say “Mother”. Take another fast tiny sip. Say “Mary”. Another like sip. Say “Full”…get the idea? “Mother Mary Full of Grace”…with a fast tiny sip between each word. Not supposed to get beyond the word ‘grace’ without cure, so if you don’t know what’s next, you’re okay.
3- BITTERS AND LIME: Horrible taste, excellent cure. Pour the bitters over the slice of lime and say “Yummy!” (But, really, who has bitters sitting around on the condiment shelf…)
4- RUBBER BAND GLASS: Pour a glass of water. Put a tissue or napkin over the top. Make it taut with a rubber band over the rim. Sip through the tissue. (Listen, I don’t make it up, I’m just reporting.) This method actually worked for me once.
Hmmm- apparently, writing is yet another cure, as my hiccups are gone now. Ahhhh…All is again right with the world. When I started this post, I was belting them out every few seconds like a real muscular Gretchen. For now, you may call me Lee.
There you go.